Kefir Kommunity

During a standing-room-only media conference held today at the Hard Rock North Pole, Santa Claus shocked reporters when he announced he will no longer be accepting glasses of milk left by the fire this Christmas.

“Enough with the milk, already!” Claus bellowed. “Many people don’t know this, because I tend to keep my health matters pretty private, but I’m lactose intolerant. Just a few sips are enough to throw my GI system totally off-kilter for the night. I usually pour it in a dish and feed it to Donner and Blitzen because I’m on an eco-kick and hate to see it go to waste. But this year, I’m standing up for Number One and asking children and parents across the globe, ‘Could you please lay off the milk?’ The truth is, I prefer kefir.”

A hush fell across the room as reporters glanced at each other, silently mouthing, “What’s kefir?!”

Noticing their confusion, Claus clarified, “Kefir is a cultured dairy drink that offers 10 strains of live and active cultures, also known as ‘good bacteria.’ I’ll only drink Lifeway kefir, manufactured in suburban Chicago. It’s a nice stopping point for me and the ‘deer, located exactly halfway between India and Hawaii.”

“But if you’re lactose intolerant, why would kefir be tolerable while milk is not?” one reporter asked. “Kefir’s live, active bacteria cultures help break down the sugars in milk,” Santa replied, pointing to a nearby PowerPoint chart as backup. “It’s actually the most favorable milk product for people suffering from lactose intolerance. A recent study in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association examined people struggling with lactose intolerance and found that kefir can actually improve lactose digestion.”

Claus’s request is rooted not only in his medical condition, but in his desire to slim down. (Following in the footsteps of Phylicia Rashad, Valerie Bertinelli, Kirstie Alley, Jenny McCarthy and Marie Osmond, Santa Claus has signed on to serve as spokesperson for a major weight loss company: Dr. Siegal’s Cookie Diet. See http://www.neversaydiet.com/blog-article/santa-rep-cookie-diet to learn more) Three daily servings of low-fat or fat-free dairy products such as kefir has been showed to encourage weight loss. Plus, kefir contains a hefty dose of fiber, which is fantastic for helping you feel fuller, sooner.

“It’s time to get back into my size 38 red suit,” Clause said, affectionately patting his belly, which is actually an abdominal fat-filled ticking time bomb. “Do I love lean protein and steamed veggies? No. Would I rather have Cheesecake Factory Cookie Dough cheesecake than Skinny Cow mint chocolate chip cones for dessert? Who wouldn’t? But one move that won’t be hard at all is switching from milk to kefir. It’s delicious and won’t make me gassy.” Mrs. Claus, standing nearby, smiled and nodded in approval.